It was so bad. I don't know if it was due to emotional stress, hormonal changes, or what, but I became very miserable. There were times my face was filled with bumps and was super pink and red. I remember feeling desperate for a solution. I must have tried every product on the market. I spent hours reading about it on the Internet. I learned about what acne was and reasons for why it may be caused, and I researched all sorts of different approaches to treating it and controlling it, and I continually regained hope every time I came across a claim that promised to cure it. Often I would try something new, and just as it seemed to be clearing my face, my acne would suddenly flare up again, and usually, worse than before. It was a vicious cycle; I would repeatedly become elated about finding something that appeared to be working for me, only to be let down once more. Eventually, I became so hopeless that I went through a deep depression for almost a year.
During the lowest point of that year, all I wanted to do was sleep. I hated looking at myself in the mirror because I felt so ugly. I never wanted to go out, and I would always wear my hair down to cover my face because I was ashamed of it. A few times at the dinner table, my nephew would innocently ask, "Becky, why do you have so many pimples?" The whole table would fall silent, and my embarrassed sister would then scold him. I would constantly try to brush it off by making jokes and referring to myself as "pizza face" or other things of that nature. My self esteem was on the floor. I remember once, and I will never forget that incident... I just wanted to die. I cried and cried on my bed and told God I didn't want to live looking like that anymore. It was afternoon, and I fell asleep sincerely not wanting to wake up again. I had an experience so extremely vivid. I felt my spirit detaching from my body, and I heard a billowing voice (I know it was God) asking "Is this really what you want?" But the voice was not gentle or friendly; it was a disappointed and stern voice that was holding me accountable to my decision. I really believe the power of free will is strong enough to make a decision like that. It freaked me out sooo much that I immediately woke up and repented like crazy. I have never ever wished to die again. It was the one and only time. I think that moment was the turning point of my situation, because I realized that there was so much I wanted to live for and I knew this temporal trial wasn't worth giving up everything else for.
While going through all of this, I also developed a very destructive habit. Whenever I'd have a blackhead or whitehead, I would pick at it to pop it. If I couldn't pop it easily, I would pick at it harder, squeeze it, scratch it, and dig my nails into it until I would damage the surrounding skin and sometimes even until it bled. I wouldn't stop until I got the black or whitehead out. I was frantic and so frustrated. The only thing it would do was leave a horrible red mark and sometimes a scar that wouldn't fade for a long time. It also unnecessarily spread bacteria causing even more breakout. I discovered later that this is a form of self mutilation. Though I have never purposely cut myself nor have done any of that with malicious intention, it was still hurting to me and unloving towards my body which is a temple of God. Because of this, now I have a sensitive spot in my heart towards people that compulsively hurt themselves.
This is all very personal, but I share it because it has made me more compassionate and understanding of people's self-image and self-confidence issues and appreciative of my own self-value. Beauty is not merely skin deep... It is way more profound than anything physical. I am convinced that many outer physical conditions are a reflection of turmoil within and can be linked to emotional and mental stress and negativity. As I continue to mature, I have strived to become more peaceful, forgiving, to cling to my faith adamantly, and to let go of anger and bitterness in order to enjoy the Gift of Life to its fullest. It is worth it in order to preserve health and happiness.
Gradually, I have overcome the need to pick at my skin, and by God's Grace, my skin has vastly improved. I get zits here and there, but it's not the tragedy that it once used to be... especially now that I am sure of who I am in Jesus. I also haven't again felt as hopeless as I did that year, and I have been through many ups and downs since then. If anyone reading this has struggled with acne and the feelings of shame it causes, know that you are precious regardless of it and you will not have to deal with it forever. It will pass. Please, DON'T pick at your skin!! ...no matter how tempting it may be, it could leave unwanted scars. Also, instead of obsessing over products and potential cures, pursue stillness and quietness of mind and spirit. Love and treasure yourself and pamper your skin which is your largest organ... And above all, trust that your Creator can adjust the functions of your body so that it performs the way it was designed to... You are worth it to Him. I mean that from the bottom of my heart <3>
Thank You Lord for healing of spirit, soul, mind, and body.
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